Two American psychologists have initiated a study with a novel research protocol. These two psychologists have decided to create “The Laboratory of Love”.
This laboratory, which represented a typical apartment with a kitchen, a dining room, etc., was intended to allow couples to spend a day “at home”, cooking, washing dishes, etc.
This study was repeated with 130 couples over 5 years. Once a year, each couple spent a day in this laboratory for 5 years.
From benevolence to kindness
The results of this study have shown that couples destroy each other not on major elements or events but on a daily life of contempt and ignorance. In couples who last, the authors have identified 2 main factors: benevolence and kindness during daily exchanges.
Disagreeing on children’s education, cleaning, washing up, all these little things that seem insignificant are the basis of 95% of the arguments … It is not because there is disagreement that couples must speak badly to each other.
Couples who are naturally benevolent and express themselves as such, despite differences and conflicts, tend to last.
Another important factor common to many lasting couples is the sense of commitment through an official union (PACS or marriage). According to the authors, this commitment demonstrates the other’s unwavering support for oneself and seems to make people happier in the long term.
Another study validates all of these results. It gave rise to the Pemberton Happiness Index.
A scientific scale of happiness!
This happiness index is the conclusion of a study of 3,000 people who answered more than 900 questions. It reveals the simple and essential principles which make the happiness of a couple and some characteristics overlap those of the “Laboratory of love”.
- Marriage brings happiness much more than material situation.
- The unwavering support that everyone can give to each other regardless of age, strengthens the feeling of being happy as a couple.
- The admiration should not relate to the profession or the physique but to his person.
- Respect for others is necessary, you should never try to hurt them.
- Sharing time in pairs, even if it is to do nothing specific, is essential.
- Sexuality must be assumed. It is important to live the desire that each feels for the other. This does not necessarily mean making love, but being tender in caresses, attentions that show the desire felt.
- The humor, the derision which often mark a step back and a kind of humility of each one is necessary. Humor brings a small dose of lightness during conflicts for example …
There are many “principles” that cannot all be present in a couple. There is always a gap, more or less large, between theory and practice. It’s sort of a scale to lean on to know where to stand. Rather than being interested in the object of the conflict, we must see how to approach it.
If it’s in the invective, maybe you have to start by talking to yourself differently and take the measure of your own language.